8 September 2015

Geological Extinction Event Sparks New Genre of Fiction

by Daniel Prokop

We are currently experiencing one of the worst geological extinction events in recorded history. Geologist jobs and other species of mining professional roles are becoming extinct at an unprecedented rate.

During previous extinction events geologists survived by temporarily transitioning to bank tellers but bank teller jobs are now almost as rare as rises in commodity prices. TTD is the current survival tactic: Transitioning to Taxi Driving. It has been Uber for a few but just terrible for most.

This rapid severe downturn has unleashed a flood of quality fiction onto the job market, so much so that an entirely new genre has been created to properly categorize it. The new genre is called: Resource Sector Resumes which is a subset of the very large Resume genre of fiction.

This new genre embraces many contemporary stories that are often mixed with historical and hard to verify bull s**t. Authors with breathtaking audacity are writing works that are worthy of the highest fiction awards.

Hard times and fast times are periods when Resume fiction traditionally flows thickest.  During downturns too much time is spent staring, swearing and polishing the all-important 'Resume.' Every rejection increases the temptation to tinker, to exaggerate or worse; get creative.

Desperation and the pernicious thought that, 'Everyone else is doing it, so why not me?' collude to produce phenomenal Curriculum Vitae's that have only tenuous links, at best, to a consensus reality.

During the boom time, mining musical chairs moved so swiftly that no boast was too fantastic because employers desperate for staff didn't bother to check references, even if they could track down that referee that changed jobs three times in four weeks and moved to Outer Mongolia.

The recent push for pundits to properly classify the genre of their resources sector resume as either Fiction or Non-Fiction is an industry attempt to ameliorate the ongoing toxic legacy of the dead wood that was recruited and promptly promoted several levels above their level of competency during the boom times. Some say this is too little too late.

Dead wood digs in, sucks up and is tough to chop out as it surrounds itself with just enough incompetence to make it look good. Recent job cuts have been so savage and so swift that good workers have been felled whilst copses of dead wood have been given a coat of polish rather than being shown the door as they deserve.

As another pro-forma rejection email enters my inbox I succumb to a splash of temptation. How can I make my resume stand out from the pack?

To this end, I ask myself, "Who has the most Geology experience?" and "Who put all the minerals in the earth in the first place?" I put the empty bottle of vodka down and I get the same answer for both questions: God.

Surely, the Australian Prime Minister, Tony Abbott will back me on this.

So… if I choose to believe that there is a spark of the divine in all living creatures then I can logically and truthfully (ish) add to my resume that, "I am God" and better still claim that I have been a geologist for 4.54 billion years.

Whilst claiming to be God could lose me the PM's support, it might also raise a red flag or two with a HR department. Fortunately for me, many HR departments now rely on computer based vetting of all resumes and let's face it, any computer worth its silicon chip will be mightily impressed with 4.54 billion years' of experience.

Yes sir, if it slips through it will definitely put me in the driver's seat for the permanent job that I have been SEEKing. Hopefully the word 'permanent' on my next employment contract won't be a typo like on the last one.

But… it would be just my luck to apply to a company where the CEO already has a full blown God complex. Rare as that is in the resources sector, it could happen and He definitely won't want the competition. Damn!

Hmmm, maybe I should add a superpower to my skills? It's been over five years since Fukushima so that's believable. "Since visiting Fukushima I have become my own radiation source and I now have XRF-like mineral diagnostic abilities." Tempting and plausible.

Alternatively, I'll just save all my fiction writing for my books and hope that someone, somewhere recognizes that over 20 years of senior business experience outside of geology is actually quite valuable. I think I'll do that.

A guide to interpreting phrases commonly used in the Resource Sector Resume genre of fiction:

Strong leader- have been a bully since high school and still am.

Easy to get along with- only when I am very drunk.

Computer literate- can spell computer.

Good team player- happy to steal credit from anyone in the team.

Great team builder- as long as my team consists entirely of inanimate whole rock samples, RC chips or core.

Great listener- can listen to me talk about me for hours.

Highly diligent- I constantly check my Facebook page.

Ambitious- I am a tireless suck hole and I spend all my time telling everyone how good and busy I am whilst producing nothing of value to my employer unless they can benefit from hot air during the winter months.

© 2015 Daniel Prokop

Daniel Prokop is an author, a freelance geologist and a stand-up comic. He is Australia's only 'Stand-Up Geologist' and he can be contacted at daniel@leavingneverland.net