8 September 2015
Geological Extinction Event Sparks New Genre of Fiction
by Daniel Prokop
We are currently experiencing one of the worst geological
extinction events in recorded history. Geologist jobs and other
species of mining professional roles are becoming extinct at an
During previous extinction events geologists survived by
temporarily transitioning to bank tellers but bank teller jobs are
now almost as rare as rises in commodity prices. TTD is the current
survival tactic: Transitioning to Taxi
Driving. It has been Uber for a few but just terrible
This rapid severe downturn has unleashed a flood of quality
fiction onto the job market, so much so that an entirely new genre
has been created to properly categorize it. The new genre is
called: Resource Sector Resumes which is a subset of the very large
Resume genre of fiction.
This new genre embraces many contemporary stories
that are often mixed with historical and hard to verify bull s**t.
Authors with breathtaking audacity are writing works that are
worthy of the highest fiction awards.
Hard times and fast times are periods when Resume fiction
traditionally flows thickest. During downturns too much time
is spent staring, swearing and polishing the all-important
'Resume.' Every rejection increases the temptation to tinker, to
exaggerate or worse; get creative.
Desperation and the pernicious thought that, 'Everyone else is
doing it, so why not me?' collude to produce phenomenal Curriculum
Vitae's that have only tenuous links, at best, to a consensus
During the boom time, mining musical chairs moved so swiftly
that no boast was too fantastic because employers desperate for
staff didn't bother to check references, even if they could track
down that referee that changed jobs three times in four weeks and
moved to Outer Mongolia.
The recent push for pundits to properly classify the genre of
their resources sector resume as either Fiction or Non-Fiction is
an industry attempt to ameliorate the ongoing toxic legacy of the
dead wood that was recruited and promptly promoted several levels
above their level of competency during the boom times. Some say
this is too little too late.
Dead wood digs in, sucks up and is tough to chop out as it
surrounds itself with just enough incompetence to make it look
good. Recent job cuts have been so savage and so swift that good
workers have been felled whilst copses of dead wood have been given
a coat of polish rather than being shown the door as they
As another pro-forma rejection email enters my inbox I succumb
to a splash of temptation. How can I make my resume stand out from
To this end, I ask myself, "Who has the most Geology
experience?" and "Who put all the minerals in the earth in the
first place?" I put the empty bottle of vodka down and I get the
same answer for both questions: God.
Surely, the Australian Prime Minister, Tony Abbott will back me
So… if I choose to believe that there is a spark of the divine
in all living creatures then I can logically and truthfully (ish)
add to my resume that, "I am God" and better still claim that I
have been a geologist for 4.54 billion years.
Whilst claiming to be God could lose me the PM's support, it
might also raise a red flag or two with a HR department.
Fortunately for me, many HR departments now rely on computer based
vetting of all resumes and let's face it, any computer worth its
silicon chip will be mightily impressed with 4.54 billion years' of
Yes sir, if it slips through it will definitely put me in the
driver's seat for the permanent job that I have been SEEKing.
Hopefully the word 'permanent' on my next employment contract won't
be a typo like on the last one.
But… it would be just my luck to apply to a company where the
CEO already has a full blown God complex. Rare as that is in the
resources sector, it could happen and He definitely won't want the
Hmmm, maybe I should add a superpower to my skills? It's been
over five years since Fukushima so that's believable. "Since
visiting Fukushima I have become my own radiation source and I now
have XRF-like mineral diagnostic abilities." Tempting and
Alternatively, I'll just save all my fiction writing for my
books and hope that someone, somewhere recognizes that over 20
years of senior business experience outside of geology is actually
quite valuable. I think I'll do that.
A guide to interpreting phrases commonly used in the Resource
Sector Resume genre of fiction:
Strong leader- have been a bully since high
school and still am.
Easy to get along with- only when I am very
Computer literate- can spell computer.
Good team player- happy to steal credit from
anyone in the team.
Great team builder- as long as my team consists
entirely of inanimate whole rock samples, RC chips or core.
Great listener- can listen to me talk about me
Highly diligent- I constantly check my Facebook
Ambitious- I am a tireless suck hole and I
spend all my time telling everyone how good and busy I am whilst
producing nothing of value to my employer unless they can benefit
from hot air during the winter months.
© 2015 Daniel Prokop
Daniel Prokop is an author, a freelance geologist and a
stand-up comic. He is Australia's only 'Stand-Up Geologist' and he
can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org